The Key to Communication

 I think that it is logical to posit that most of the problems in any relationship come from a lack of communication. Communication is a broad term, but it essentially comes down to meaning an exchange of information. In the context of a relationship, communication is the means by which we interact with people. 

This takes many different forms. One of the first things that comes to mind when we talk about communication are our words. That is how I am communicating with you right now! There are some things that words can not convey, though. How do you feel when you read this sentence? "I can't believe that you've done this." Am I praising you for your accomplishment? Am I expressing frustration or anger with something that you've done? So much nuance is lost when we focus wholly on the words of a conversation, and this can (and will) cause a lot of gaps in communication.

One of the problems of communication is that we all have different pasts and experiences that we draw upon to interpret things, and sometimes meanings and interpretations end up on completely different pages. To communicate, we need to take our thoughts and our feelings, encode them, and then choose a medium to convey them to the other person. This person then has to decode this message, and if they want to respond, they have to repeat this process. We don't often think about it, but attempting to express our thoughts and feelings can be like a game of telephone. Things get lost in the translation.

An aspect of communication that needs to be kept in mind is that words can only express a small portion of what we feel. This was proved above when you read out my sentence. Tone will very frequently take precedence over our words when we have a conversation. If we are angry, for example, then this emotion can easily slip into the way we speak. Even if we attempt to choose non-incendiary words to communicate, we will leave a negative impression if we raise our voice or sound accusatory. Our tone will very quickly establish the outcome of a conversation, and so it is important to try to constantly take stock of your tone, and try to align your tone with the ideas that you are trying to express.

Non-verbal communication can perhaps supersede even tone. As humans, we interpret body language without even having to think about it. If someone is quickly stomping towards you with an angry frown on their face, then they are clearly communicating many things at once. We are less likely to respond positively to this, even if they try to use de-escalating words. It is natural to feel defensive when you feel like you're being confronted, and our body language will have a huge impact on what someone takes away from an interaction. Since this is the case, it is essential to disarm yourself when coming to communicate with someone. Scowls and pointing fingers do not cultivate an environment where someone will feel comfortable to express their thoughts.

The truth is that good communication is not natural. Good communicative habits take active work and thought to cultivate. We shouldn't feel bad about making mistakes in conversation, but if we really want to get better at expressing ourselves then we have to decide to put in the time to work on it. There aren't any shortcuts when it comes to establishing good communication in a relationship, but it is worth the effort. When things become tough, you want to be able to freely express yourself to the person that you care about. It is worth it to practice building good habits with your word choice, tone, and body language. These things won't feel normal at first, but creating a good relationship takes more than just the "norm".