Success in Marriage

 Marriage is a frightening thing to many people. It is a huge commitment, and it could go horribly wrong... right? Mainstream media tends to either romanticize marriage to an unrealistic degree, or they villainize it as a kind of "ditch" in the way of living life. Is marriage just a gamble? Well, no. There are certain things that you can do to make your marriage work, and these are intentional actions. 

Throughout my years of high school marching band, our drill instructor would often repeat this phrase, "You perform the way that you practice!" This applies to things like marching band and sports, but also to everything in life! We can not expect that we will behave differently in a new situation just because it is the real deal. The habits and practices that we form before marriage will absolutely affect the way that our marriage goes. We go the direction that we are pointed.

One important aspect of the marriage process that can be overlooked is the engagement phase. Engagement should be more than just a formal, "Yeah, I think we should get married". Engagement is showing a commitment that you are serious about marrying this person, and it is a chance to learn to solve problems together. The way that you decide to approach all of the big decisions that come with a wedding while you are engaged will set the tone for your marriage.

That is one of the first great opportunities for problem solving and communication that an early couple have- planning a wedding! Planning a wedding can be (and often is) an extremely frightening and anxious thing for couples. There will be a lot of opportunities to choose how you approach big decisions, and the couple should be actively engaged in working together to practice planning! Again, this is setting the precedent for how decision making will be in your married life, and so it is important that the couple is planning- instead of avoiding planning! 

The expense of a wedding is a serious concern for many couples, and many couples go as far as to post-pone their marriage because of the costs of a wedding. The thing is, you don't need to spend a million dollars on a wedding in order to make the day special. Rather than throwing a party for your guests, it should be a chance for the guests to connect with each other, and with the couple. 

A reception should (optimally) be about the community accepting the couple. From my own experience, I can say that the best wedding reception that I have been to has been about friends and family meeting up and talking to who they want to. We all came together to celebrate the wedding of my sister and her husband, and we were able to talk and eat with people we had not seen in a long time. It was a nice moment of unity in our families, and there was a non-verbal emphasis on connecting. 

So we can see that engagement is an important time for a couple. Another important aspect of an engagement is setting new healthy boundaries. One can not expect for all of their relationships to stay unchanged through the process of marriage; it is a good idea to re-evaluate how you interact with the people in your life, and decide on healthy boundaries that uplift yourself and your partner. It is a bad idea, for example, to openly speak about problems in your relationship with people who are outside of your spouse. This can begin to create imbalanced boundaries that drive a wedge between husband and wife. 

While marriage is a frightening prospect to many, I don't think that it needs to be. There are good habits and skills that you can (and should) develop before marriage that will prepare you to have a successful marriage. It is all about practicing how you want to perform, because no one will become a professional over night!